A candy in my cookie jar full of cookies

Call me mooned, it’s a name I want to use right now. Jemm is my friend, my diary I would call him. I dont want to reveal who I am, so again I needed Jemm’s help for these thoughts I am having that I cant let out.

Although I don’t want people to know who I am, I want people to know that I exist. I am a female, 26 years old and right now I am bewildered and yes, I am having love issues.  I used to write poems, it has been my outlet since I was very little because I have always been deprived of expressing love specially within families. I did not grow up communicating with a family member, I can say that our house is just like a hotel, we eat, sleep and be comfortable in the house without bothering a conversation with the people inside it.  So expressing my emotions have always been very, very difficult for me. I am a funny person, seeing people around me happy has always been my way to gratify myself that I am loved.

I met a guy when I was in high school. I met him in a youth camp, I was fourteen then and he was twelve, I want to call him “Cookie” here. I know it was a puppy love and in fact he is not the only one I am having a crush with then, but he is my ultimate crush. I saw a “light” upon him, even until now I still remember the first time I saw him and everything is still so clear, so magical.  Cookie and I became friends, but he’s always not available either he has a GF or he likes someone else and so I kept asking “why not me?”. I am insecure and only thinks he’ll never like me so I have to let the thought of Cookie and I go, without bothering to tell him I like him, and it was painful just keeping it to myself.  I was 17 when I met my first serious BF, his name is Leo.  That relationship is an accident (another long story) but that “commitment” lasted for 5 years. My BF then (Leo) and I had struggled in our relationship when Cookie made a move on me. That was when Leo and I are in our 2nd year together – yes, you can say I two timed them. After Cookie made a move on me, I have gone through 3 excruciating years to finally decide to let go of Leo and be with the man of my dreams. I have forgiven myself for all of these, I had to leave my 5 year relationship to be with the man I love for 9 years. And it was worth it. Cookie became my boyfriend.  The catch is, I struggled to prove Cookie that he has always been the one because it took me 3 years to break up with Leo and decided that I want to be with him, whatever it takes, and it was chaos. Time goes by, I worked hard and finally proved Cookie that he has always been the one and it was worth the gamble to take this chance with him.  I got used to our set up, me being patient and understanding why he can’t text, can’t call, can’t pick me up and can’t bring me home when I’m away has been my normal. I can go anywhere alone and being pampered and to be treated as a princess by a guy has never crossed my mind, I’m simply not used to it. I have put my trust in Cookie and he has proven me that he loves me too. I trust him, I know in my heart and in my soul that he loves me, there are only some things that he is not used to do for a girl.

I actually don’t get a crush, last crush I had was 8 years ago. I get attracted to a guy sometimes but it will only last for 2 weeks max and I forget about the person right away.  Until, I noticed a guy in the office a year ago, I want to call him here “Candy”. I was sending him SMS messages one night (also not my normal) and we exchange text messages until he replied with  “My wife didn’t cook dinner for me” so I replied with “well you shouldn’t wait for your wife I’m sure she’s tired from work” and I stopped sending messages after.  I was turned off thinking “what d hell am I thinking texting him?”. He has always been charming so I was happy enjoying the scene whenever he is around.   He is kind to everyone in the office, he chat me from time to time but I couldn’t put any malice in our conversation. Sometimes I couldn’t help looking and asking myself where he seats in the office, but I can never say a thing. I told a trusted friend that I am having a crush on Candy and I have always been laughing whenever I say there are butterflies in my stomach whenever he is around. Whenever Candy chats with me and asks why was I absent when I am absent he couldn’t get a decent answer from me. All he gets is, “Is there anything I can help you with? What do you want?”. One day when I was eating at McDonalds, I saw him pass by in the street I called his name and he says “Hey, where have you been? WE missed you” and I was delighted all day long that day thinking “HE missed me” I exchanged the word “WE” to “I” (me and playful imagination). 3 months ago, my trusted friend told me someone’s having a crush on me in the office and I made an investigation, patched up stories and concluded it was Candy having a crush on me (hahah..). Someone told me that he doesn’t have a wife and that he broke up with his GF whom he calls his “wife”.  Then during a team building, he told me personally, when I was drunk “Mooned, I have had a crush on you ever since” and I did not answer – I was drunk and I wouldn’t know what to answer. He knows I am taken, he knows I have a BF! After that there are lots of things that happened, there are a lot of things I heard about him.  I heard he said I have been the only reason why he goes to work, that he was hoping to bring me home considering I live a thousand miles away from the office, that when he was so drunk he brokedown and cried when I have to go home during a team outing and that anyone can thank him by me just being around in the office.

I am overwhelmed, this is not the first time that a guy have done this much for me. But this is the first time I appreciate the efforts and the thoughts, I feel important. I see myself in him when I am in love. Faith is playing upon me and it messed up everything in my head. Candy have occupied so much of my thoughts, he is my problem right now. Why does he have to say and do all of these for me? and he is doing this without expecting anything in return, he just want to see me around and that’s enough for him. As for me, I dont have to say anything, I should not feel anything – but I am sad. I have to let him pass me by.

Sacrifices

“If I could sacrifice something for you, would you do the same?”

Most people are unfair. They always want what is best for them and do not care what others would feel. Maybe that is why martyrs and heroes were born – to sacrifice themselves for the benefit of others.

In the context of a relationship, sacrifices come in different forms. It may be a simple sacrifice of time, money or a major sacrifice such life. Either way, it means giving something up and stepping out of your comfort zone for the person that you love. It sucks but it has to be that way.

It feels good to know that someone is willing to sacrifice something for you. It gives you the feeling that you are being loved to the highest extent. On the other hand, even if this person that sacrificed a lot for you did not ask for anything in return, you just have to be kind and repay it one way or another. Being in a relationship is a two-way process. If you can’t give love and can’t sacrifice something back, then what is the point of continuing the relationship? Ever heard of the phrase, ‘give and take’? Yes. give and take is something that you have to learn especially if you are in a relationship.
That being said, I hope that you guys learn to make simple sacrifices. Start from scratch and try doing it, you will realize that it is not that hard to be a hero or a martyr. Simple sacrifices such as waking up early will do.

In the eyes of the vulture

The vulture lurks the desert looking for a prey. Probably seeking a weak and wounded one so that he can munch through the skin easily and without much fight. That’s the nature of the vulture.

A no good sneaking a-hole acts the same way. Every relationship has its own downfall. A guy may have problems with his relationship because he could not give something to his partner. The sneaking a-hole will then capitalize. Swooping in like a vulture to eat the wounded meat. He will then display his strength and flex his muscles – proving to the world that he is the better man. Why is that so? Because he ate someone who is wounded. How pathetic.

In a relationship, a sneaking a-hole will always come around but for some reason, there are people who fall for the vulture’s trap. Maybe there’s not much love in that relationship or they’re just looking for some action to spice it all up.

Im not saying that vultures are as bad as the sneaking a-holes. Don’t get me wrong, but vultures also happen to bring balance to mother nature. I’m just talking based on the concept of relationships.

Going back, most of the victims of the so called “vultures” in a relationship tend to see what it is that they are missing in their current relationship. What they overlook is the fact that whatever it is that they are getting from these “vultures”, that is all that they will ever get. It hurts to know that some trade the good relationship just for some cheap thrills of attraction.

I just hope that you do not end up being eaten by vultures and worse, please do not be a vulture.

Fiction Book

Hello readers,
I am in the process of writing a fiction novel about a guy who had his heart broken by the only woman that he loved for a very long time. The twist happens when he tried to create an image of a woman that would totally love him no matter what happens. He creates a very beautiful woman, understanding, loving and has all the traits every man would ever want right inside his imagination. The woman comes to life in his writings, social networks that he joined, e-mails and SMS messages. However, the woman is just a pigment of his imagination. He is actually the one sending himself e-mail messages.
Do you have any wise ideas on how I should go about with this one? Please send me some of your insights and I will try to compile them as I progress in the novel. I will recognize all the help I can get. Thank you and may you all have a wonderful day.

Second Chances

“Once a cheater, always a cheater”

This saying is pretty blatant and is such a very strong phrase. Though many have proven it to be wrong, there are still people who cheat continuously despite the fact that they have been forgiven so many times. I have a good friend who had a long – time girlfriend who somehow grew tired of their relationship and looked for someone to spice it up a little bit. Their old routine did not work out somehow.

She went her own way but still managed to keep her relationship. She hid this relationship with a new guy for more than 6 months. She went all out with this new guy. They had fun at movies, parks, amusement parks and they even had sex several times. I felt pretty worried for my friend. He did not know that this day could happen. He exposed this relationship through his undeniable grasp of technology. He was hurt. He cried for several days but still managed to accept the woman that he loves. He gave her a second chance. They went steady for the next couple of months but it happened again. Without second thoughts, he gave her another chance.

His story depicts a very sad scenario of a man who is in love. He managed to keep the things that the woman he loved did to him at the back of his head and still followed what his heart felt. If most men act this way, will they get abused? How should men teach the woman that they love a lesson? Should they just leave them behind? What about the love that they feel in their hearts? Should they just let it go?

I was talking to a therapist last time I had the same problem and he told me something that I really did not want to hear. He told me to leave everything behind and start something new. It was something that I did not want to do since I do not want to step out of my comfort zone. But somehow, there are instances that you really have to get out of the box, experience the deep pain and start moving on. In my case, I did not even try to do that. Why? Because I had faith in her. I had faith that she would come to her senses and fulfill every promise that she made. Maybe that is the true essence of second chances – faith.

Some Random Quote

“If you are always looking for reasons not to be with somebody.. you’ll always find them. At some point, you just have to let go and give your heart what it deserves.”

- Lucas Scott, One Tree Hill

Regrets

“We all have regrets. But some of us still have time to erase them.”

There are times that we wish that we just had Alzheimer’s disease so that we could just forget whatever heartache or whatever pain it is that struck our hearts. In a glimpse, we just want to forget every memory of it. However, the downfall of this is the fact that the good memories could be erased to.

I say, just give me regret as long as I can have all those precious times stored at the back of my mind. I know that somehow, time will come that I would no longer be regretful of the things that I did not do. You see, I am the type of person who gives all that I can for the person that I love the most. There are a couple of moments that I slipped and I lost her in just a snap. The pain remains even if we are in good terms. I wish I had a problem with my memory so that I could just forget everything but the problem is, I love her and she’s all that matters to me. I still have time to erase the regret.

So can I live with pain? Yes. As long as she’s there.