A candy in my cookie jar full of cookies

Call me mooned, it’s a name I want to use right now. Jemm is my friend, my diary I would call him. I dont want to reveal who I am, so again I needed Jemm’s help for these thoughts I am having that I cant let out.

Although I don’t want people to know who I am, I want people to know that I exist. I am a female, 26 years old and right now I am bewildered and yes, I am having love issues.  I used to write poems, it has been my outlet since I was very little because I have always been deprived of expressing love specially within families. I did not grow up communicating with a family member, I can say that our house is just like a hotel, we eat, sleep and be comfortable in the house without bothering a conversation with the people inside it.  So expressing my emotions have always been very, very difficult for me. I am a funny person, seeing people around me happy has always been my way to gratify myself that I am loved.

I met a guy when I was in high school. I met him in a youth camp, I was fourteen then and he was twelve, I want to call him “Cookie” here. I know it was a puppy love and in fact he is not the only one I am having a crush with then, but he is my ultimate crush. I saw a “light” upon him, even until now I still remember the first time I saw him and everything is still so clear, so magical.  Cookie and I became friends, but he’s always not available either he has a GF or he likes someone else and so I kept asking “why not me?”. I am insecure and only thinks he’ll never like me so I have to let the thought of Cookie and I go, without bothering to tell him I like him, and it was painful just keeping it to myself.  I was 17 when I met my first serious BF, his name is Leo.  That relationship is an accident (another long story) but that “commitment” lasted for 5 years. My BF then (Leo) and I had struggled in our relationship when Cookie made a move on me. That was when Leo and I are in our 2nd year together – yes, you can say I two timed them. After Cookie made a move on me, I have gone through 3 excruciating years to finally decide to let go of Leo and be with the man of my dreams. I have forgiven myself for all of these, I had to leave my 5 year relationship to be with the man I love for 9 years. And it was worth it. Cookie became my boyfriend.  The catch is, I struggled to prove Cookie that he has always been the one because it took me 3 years to break up with Leo and decided that I want to be with him, whatever it takes, and it was chaos. Time goes by, I worked hard and finally proved Cookie that he has always been the one and it was worth the gamble to take this chance with him.  I got used to our set up, me being patient and understanding why he can’t text, can’t call, can’t pick me up and can’t bring me home when I’m away has been my normal. I can go anywhere alone and being pampered and to be treated as a princess by a guy has never crossed my mind, I’m simply not used to it. I have put my trust in Cookie and he has proven me that he loves me too. I trust him, I know in my heart and in my soul that he loves me, there are only some things that he is not used to do for a girl.

I actually don’t get a crush, last crush I had was 8 years ago. I get attracted to a guy sometimes but it will only last for 2 weeks max and I forget about the person right away.  Until, I noticed a guy in the office a year ago, I want to call him here “Candy”. I was sending him SMS messages one night (also not my normal) and we exchange text messages until he replied with  “My wife didn’t cook dinner for me” so I replied with “well you shouldn’t wait for your wife I’m sure she’s tired from work” and I stopped sending messages after.  I was turned off thinking “what d hell am I thinking texting him?”. He has always been charming so I was happy enjoying the scene whenever he is around.   He is kind to everyone in the office, he chat me from time to time but I couldn’t put any malice in our conversation. Sometimes I couldn’t help looking and asking myself where he seats in the office, but I can never say a thing. I told a trusted friend that I am having a crush on Candy and I have always been laughing whenever I say there are butterflies in my stomach whenever he is around. Whenever Candy chats with me and asks why was I absent when I am absent he couldn’t get a decent answer from me. All he gets is, “Is there anything I can help you with? What do you want?”. One day when I was eating at McDonalds, I saw him pass by in the street I called his name and he says “Hey, where have you been? WE missed you” and I was delighted all day long that day thinking “HE missed me” I exchanged the word “WE” to “I” (me and playful imagination). 3 months ago, my trusted friend told me someone’s having a crush on me in the office and I made an investigation, patched up stories and concluded it was Candy having a crush on me (hahah..). Someone told me that he doesn’t have a wife and that he broke up with his GF whom he calls his “wife”.  Then during a team building, he told me personally, when I was drunk “Mooned, I have had a crush on you ever since” and I did not answer – I was drunk and I wouldn’t know what to answer. He knows I am taken, he knows I have a BF! After that there are lots of things that happened, there are a lot of things I heard about him.  I heard he said I have been the only reason why he goes to work, that he was hoping to bring me home considering I live a thousand miles away from the office, that when he was so drunk he brokedown and cried when I have to go home during a team outing and that anyone can thank him by me just being around in the office.

I am overwhelmed, this is not the first time that a guy have done this much for me. But this is the first time I appreciate the efforts and the thoughts, I feel important. I see myself in him when I am in love. Faith is playing upon me and it messed up everything in my head. Candy have occupied so much of my thoughts, he is my problem right now. Why does he have to say and do all of these for me? and he is doing this without expecting anything in return, he just want to see me around and that’s enough for him. As for me, I dont have to say anything, I should not feel anything – but I am sad. I have to let him pass me by.